I have no experience with any kind of drugs, except coffee, and a short stint on codeine when I injured my knee. I did not like how the codeine made me feel dopey and floaty!
Please look up BK Shivani, who has talks and dialogues on you tube, and a whole series on the importance of self care and self love.
Gabor Mate, a Canadian psychologist who has worked in addiction has some brilliant talks, also on You Tube.
I'm so mpressed with your courage in being open about your vulnerabilities. To be human, is to be vulnerable, bu tnot many have that level of courage for self exposure! All good wishes on your journey to healing and healthy growth.